Incognito

The cunningness of the bad doesn’t lie in the wicked-smart way in which they scheme things but in convincing the weak of bad doing by exploiting this guilt to their good use. For the weak believe that once they’ve erred, it’s not going to make a big deal going over it again. What they’ve to realize is that once they forgive themselves, they will start accepting their mistakes and walking a better path.

                                                                                                -Unknown.

“You were saying son?” spoke my mom, inquiringly. “Oh, it’s nothing mom. A vain soliloquy I guess.” My mom smiled that inscrutable smile of hers which I sometimes suspected to be sardonic. This fabulous woman changed my life or rather pulled me out from my path which was headed towards a self imposed dungeon. She was rather my conscience. That would suffice, for if a son starts boasting about his mom, he would go on and on. My thoughts now though are not about her but another lady I met in my life.

Her name is Karthika Subramaniam. No, she’s not my girlfriend. Her spiritedness disturbed me though. Not because I am a chauvinist but in the small town of Udumalpet (a village in west Tamil Nadu, a state in southern India) and a male dominated environment, it was something new. She lost her father when she was eleven. I was five then. Brought up in a non progressive environment, her talent did not materialize into anything fruitful. Add to it the hatred of her paternal grandmother towards her mom. There, you have a brilliant person sitting numb in a helpless situation. I personally knew that there were times where there was literally no money in her house. How do I know? Well, it sometimes helps to eavesdrop. I was ignorant back then. Anyway, you could not ask more than good company from a vivacious ten year old. The size of my nursery school was twice the size of a hut. So naturally, we needed to move to the city of Coimbatore which was like 45 miles away from Udumalpet for my high school education.

 From the first day, I felt very comfortable and at peace with the new surroundings. Located on the outskirts of the city and with a mountain close to our place, our neighborhood was refreshing. Thinking about my early school life, there wasn’t really anything exciting. I did what every school student was supposed to do: slog. I never would’ve guessed she would come into my life again. One evening, as I entered home, my mom was speaking over the phone and I conjectured that it was about me. Later that evening, she told me that I would have to go to Udumalpet every alternate Sunday to study Computer Science and that Karthika would help me with the subject. I was rather amused by the weird idea of travelling 60 kilometers to study a subject. I consented and so started my journeys to Udumalpet.

The plum cakes from the bakery nearby her computer centre and the gaming zone next door alone would have sufficed but I was acutely aware of my responsibilities to make this travel worth the time and energy. My guilt made me study. There were times when I felt that was ridiculous but now when I think about it, I find it perfectly normal. Driven by fear more than a genuine interest in the subject, I would blame myself for not fighting the conventions but getting engulfed by it. Now earlier, Sunday mornings spelled the end of a tiresome week and brought in a sigh of relief. Even the relieved feeling of the Sunday now went for a toss for I would have to rush back from Udumalpet in the evening and get things ready for a nervous Monday. Well, talking about the Computer Science classes, I observed, to my shock, that the hairs in her arms were turning brown. From the biology I had learnt, I perceived it as the lack of protein. Between the times when she was a tall, beautiful girl with twinkling eyes behind nerdy glasses and the serious and supple figure I saw a lot of changes. That she was twenty three and already bearing signs of struggle was something I couldn’t accept. When I pointed out to these “trivial” things to her, she would say”I have more important things to do; things to achieve.” “At what cost?” I would tend to ask but ultimately decide it was better to shut up (For at times, her temper was fiery).

One Saturday evening, she called me saying that her mother was unwell and so she wouldn’t be able to handle classes for me that Sunday. I felt that it was only humanity to help her in such a situation. So, as usual, I went to the centre the next day, acquired the address from the person working there and proceeded to her house. There wasn’t much difficulty in tracking her address. But there was genuine surprise in her face at the sight of me. I learnt that her mom had typhoid fever. As she was weak, Karthika had to drain the medicine slowly to her throat. I was embarrassed and didn’t know how to react in such a situation. I don’t know why such a stupid thought struck me but I took the four hundred rupees from my pocket and said, “Mom asked me to give you the fees.” Her face was expressionless for a split second and then gave me a smile refusing it. I felt like a total idiot. We were speaking sometime about my studies. Sensing that I wasn’t really interested to talk about studies at lunch time, she asked if I was hungry. “I ate while coming” I lied. I was too embarrassed to eat. While she was having lunch (and I consciously controlled my tongue from drooling), she told me about her brother who was away most of the time but for the time he had to rest. I was shocked at the fact that she hadn’t even mentioned about him once. I was rudely reminded that ours had been a very formal teacher-student relationship and I had hardly asked her anything personal. Realizing that it was late for my bus and that I had to pay grandma a visit, I took leave with a heavy heart and an empty stomach. After visiting my grandma, I started for Coimbatore. I did not feel hungry. That day I learnt that hunger dies after sometime. I sat in the bus musing for two hours till the bus reached Coimbatore. Why was life so unfair? Life is cruel, I thought. I told my mom what happened and surprisingly, she reprimanded me asking me to focus on my studies. “How insensitive!” I thought. Hardly did I know that she was taking efforts to help them economically. Another harsh truth that would beat me in the face, that truth was beyond what was obvious.

Now, my exams were fast approaching and the government having just the physics, chemistry and mathematics scores to decide the cut-off for joining engineering colleges, making the lives of students miserable. Joining any arts and science college would mean that you’re a weak student. (No, these guys have a polished way of telling that. Yes, you’re a late bloomer!). So, for parents it was a matter of pride that their ward got into an engineering institution. But there are constraints; for the date of birth at times could be as decisive as an extra mark. Sometimes I felt that freedom was just there to be seen.

Slogging hard and with God’s Grace, I managed to get a Material science and metallurgy engineering seat in Alagappa College of Technology, Chennai. College life was fun from the first day. I enjoyed it from day one. Between I would call up Karthika and tell her how things were progressing for me. She would feel happy for me. Sadly, things grew worse for her. She would often have heated arguments with her brother and her mom. I would feel pained but at the same time proud that a grown up tells me all matured stuff. Days passed and things were usual but for the calls I got from Karthika every other day. This was a routine till my first year culminated. Then the calls stopped. I tried calling her but the number was switched off. I tried the centre’s number and that it was not in use. Days, weeks and months passed but there was no communication. So I waited for my third semester holidays when I could really answer my mind-pricking questions about her. I needed to concentrate on my studies and so I suppressed my worries about her. Thankfully, the love for my subjects saved me and I wrote my exams with a lot of confidence. There were two metallurgy papers which sucked some life juice out of me but being well prepared helped.

One week into my semester holidays and I started to Udumalpet happily for I had cleared my semester with 7.5 grade points. I visited my grandma’s place and started off to Karthika’s house. I knocked the door and a middle aged woman opened the door. “Is Karthika Madam home?” I asked her. “She is yet to return home” she said. I showed her the mobile number of Karthika and asked her if the number was right. She nodded. She didn’t invite me in. A tall, slender and serious looking chap came out through the door whom I understood to be Karthika’s brother. There was a loud silence for a moment or two when Karthika’s mom and her son faced each other. I felt it was time for me to leave and took leave. Something didn’t feel right. There were a thousand questions going off in my mind. Was she forcibly married off to someone? Were those people her family members?  I did see a resemblance in the mom’s face but was this enough. While all these were breaking my head I had reached grandma’s place. My mom caught the puzzled expression in my face. I asked about Karthika and she told me that she had been recruited to a software firm in Bangalore and that she wasn’t sure about the pay. I was happy that her talent was finally finding its worth. Bangalore surely would mean much more exposure to her than this small town. I felt happy for her. But why did that keep her from calling me? I had no answer to the question. I somehow convinced myself that everything was alright. When people go places in life they sure have the right to forget about those who care about them, haven’t they?

The last two years of engineering weren’t of any significance other than helping me finish my degree and hand me a job (which I would never join). Having written my last semester exams well I returned home for some quality time with my family. Two weeks had gone by after my last exam. I had become an engineer with a 75 percentage aggregate. It was a cloudy evening in the month of June 2010. My phone rang and I was about to pick it up when I remembered that the use of mobile phones was not advisable in cloudy conditions. But I couldn’t resist a call from an unknown number. Now, I always had this nasty habit of imagining that the unknown caller would be a girl calling to propose to me. So half hoping, I picked up and said “Hello”. For a moment I was happy to hear a female voice at last but recognizing it, I couldn’t speak for a few seconds. It was Karthika! Apparently I was angry and I accused her of not calling me even once in the last two years. She told me that things weren’t very good for her then and it had taken her eighteen months to settle down. Then came the shock of my life. She told she’d left home for making a living in Bangalore. She always knew how to ward off my protests. Both her family members had turned hostile and to save her mother of any more burdens, she thought it was best for her to do what she had done. Well, this was a standard reply from anybody who’s taken a decision of leaving her home. I knew my words would not move a muscle of her decision. Also she said that she did not want to disturb my performance in my examination. I could do nothing but accept whatever she said but that night I set thinking.

Exactly a month after that phone call, I got up in the middle of the night. So many times when I was really angry with things that were happening around, I would get a flash of energy telling me that I.A.S. was my ambition. I would dismiss such flashes of angry instincts as impulses. But today was different. I packed my stuff and waited for dawn. Waiting for dawn is by far the hardest thing to do in darkness. One thing I learnt from my past was patience. So I waited till everybody awoke. My mom was shocked to see me packed and ready. I explained my intent to her and she strictly refused to listen to any of my reasons. I let her calm down and told her about my ambition of studying for the I.A.S exams at a leading institute in Bangalore. My father protested too but I was firm. I did not argue but stood my ground. Finally, everyone had to consent and so I started my journey to Bangalore.

I was going to a place where I practically knew nothing about. But I was going to meet Karthika. I was going to suffer, yes, but I knew that I was moving towards my destiny.

(To be continued…)